I was on I-5, going through Salem. A car pulled even with me and slowed down. When I looked down, there was a woman in the passenger seat buck naked with the dome light on. When she saw me looking, she started playing with herself. Her boyfriend was driving.

I was woken up by gunshots at 4 in the morning at a truck stop just outside of Alabama. I got out of my bunk and there was some big, burly dude wearing nothing but a pair of flip flops and a wife-beater waving a gun around and screaming that some lot lizard (hooker) had stolen his money. Police showed up a few minutes later, he refused to cooperate. Finally, this female cop tazed him while another one tackled him.

Parked overnight in a rest area outside Albuquerque. 1am a man strips naked and paces up and down, right freaking next to me, screaming “Jesus help me, Satan get out of my ass!!! Satan begone, leave my asshole Satan!”

A trucker gave me a lift and soon we started to chat to pass the time. Suddenly he pressed the brakes. I didn’t realize why until I saw a tiger standing in the middle of the road just staring at the vehicle. A few minutes passed by (seemed like hours though) and her cubs suddenly came through the foliage on the other side of the road.

The car lot was empty but the glory hole bathroom stall door was shut. I thought it odd but stepped up to the urinal. Midstream I get interrupted by a bold and airy, “Yoo-hoooo!” I turn to look at a cock poking through the hole. “Its not going to suck itself!” I lost my shit laughing and the guy pulled his dick back in. (2/2)

I stopped at a gas station for my mandatory break and went to get a snack. When I came back, a guy with a camera asked me if I wanted to pose for a photoshoot with my truck. I was suspicious but agreed. He shot some pictures and seemed to know what he was doing. I gave him my email address and a few days later I got the pictures. They were awesome, super well done. They still hang in the break room of my company.

I made a pitstop to use the can at a gas station. They had one bathroom and it was in use for a long time. Finally, an older man came out and saw me waiting. He asked, “Have you seen the movie, Wreck-It Ralph?” When I told him no he shot back, “You’re about to. That toilet? I wrecked it and you’re gonna ralph!”

Not a trucker but work in the industry. Probably once or twice a year a trucker will call me and tell me he can’t pickup a load b/c he shit his pants. Then they email me pictures to prove it.

In Nebraska, during the summer a cattle truck had flipped taking a turn too fast. Fully loaded. Cow parts were thrown everywhere. It looked like a movie. Ugh. It’s hard to get the image of butchered cows laying everywhere on the interstate out of your head

These punk kids pranked me on the CB radio by pretending to be a woman with the handle, Candy Cane. So, I stalked them across the country. Killed a couple people along the way too. Nobody messed with Rusty Nail. (1/2)

Shut up, that’s the plot of 2001’s Joy Ride!! (2/2)

I was on the road a little over a year and saw someone way out on an interstate waving down cars. I stopped and found out that she was kidnapped something like three months ago. She called her husband on my phone after I called the cops.

At a truck stop, middle of the night. The guy next to me starts talking to me. He’s 50ish, short, friendly, got a bushy mustache. After a moment or two, I notice that his mustache is actually his nose hairs which are inches long and obviously combed into the desired mustache shape. I was both fascinated and repelled at the same time.

My Dad is a truck driver and he likes to tell a story about a Keebler cookie driver who was getting teased on the CB radio. Other drivers kept asking him questions, like “Do elves really make the cookies?” And “Are you an elf?” And “How tall are you, anyway?” Finally, in a deep voice, he replies, “Listen, I only drive this truck for the paycheck. I don’t ask any questions. I just back the truck up to the tree, and they fill it.”

My uncle was new and had a two-person buddy system with a lady who was his driving instructor. My aunt thought the instructor was going to try and seduce my uncle. Two days into a drive, my uncle goes into a truck stop to eat. When he goes back to the truck he finds the female instructor preoccupied with a female sex worker. (1/2)

The two women got married about 5 months later. They spend Christmas with us because their own families have disowned them. They’re very happy. The instructor will wait until her wife’s out of earshot and say, “Best 20 bucks I ever spent.” (2/2)